The Girl in the Gallery

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A few months ago, I walked into the Steven Kasher Gallery to catch the exhibition of Vivian Maier: Unseen Images. I had been following the story of Vivian Maier, who spent 40 years of her life working as a nanny in both Chicago and New York. On her days off, she wandered the streets of these cities accompanied only by her Rolleiflex camera. She shot people and store windows, streetscapes, and captured tiny moments we often overlook in our quest to get from point A to point B. Despite this, she never set up a shot. She simply looked through her viewfinder, clicked once, and kept walking. That confidence and boldness comes across in all of her images — though Vivian Maier probably did not know this herself, since most of her rolls of film remained undeveloped or only existed in negative form. She was never discovered or lauded for her work. She died quietly in Chicago in 2009. A few years earlier, 120,000 of Ms. Maier’s negatives, 2,000 undeveloped rolls of film, were discovered in a commercial storage unit and auctioned off for $400. A man named John Maloof bought the suitcases of negatives and film. He didn’t know what he had until he began scanning the images and posting them to Flickr, where people started to comment. Then, this news story on Maloof’s find went viral, and the rest became internet history.

As someone who spent high school behind a camera or in my school’s dark room, I was drawn to this story. In college, I had put down my camera and pursued fleshing out my images through words and sentences. It wasn’t until I got an iPhone in 2009 that I remembered how much I loved taking pictures. Once I started clicking, I never stopped. My style is similar to Maier’s in that I click once and move on. If I get it, great. If I don’t, the image stays burned on my brain and eventually finds its way into words on a page. Where we differ is that I will process my photo through different filter styles before settling on one fixed image. Then, I upload it to my photo Tumblr. Everything I shoot passes by my eyes more than once. But, in this digital world, rarely do I print my images. They never get the opportunity to breath beyond the pixels of a computer screen.

All of these reasons sent me into the Kasher gallery that day, only a few days before the exhibition was to be taken down. I walked past the Weegee photographs and into the corner where Maier’s work was displayed. I took my time in front of each image. There was humor, life, sadness, and utter realness. I stood there alone for a long time before an older man came into the gallery and joined my viewing party. He also took his time examining each photograph. I sensed something different about the way he looked, with an intense personal connection. We struck up a conversation and I learned his name is Ron Gordon and he is the person responsible for printing Vivian’s images. He got to see what she did not, that magical moment when chemicals react and an image begins to appear, ghost-like at first, and then solid and sharp in the chemical bath. He toured me through each image, talking about the framing, shading, and how he decided on the printing process, as each was unique. He used the best phrase to describe Vivian’s style of capturing her subjects: “She was out so much, the moments started to find her. She wore her camera around her neck like jewelry.” We stood in front of the last image, one I kept coming back to, lingering over. I felt like I could have a conversation with the photograph forever. Endless stories were housed in this 20 x 20 image and I wanted to know them all.

It never occurred to me, walking into that gallery, into any gallery, that I could afford to buy something on its walls. Not that I had any business buying something, being a freelancer with a meager savings account. But I looked in the book, saw the price and thought, I could do this. And, after some additional homework, I did. I was taken to a back room, shown the remainder of the prints that were left (only 15 are printed from each negative) and chose one. I put down a deposit. The print was sent to the framer and three weeks and a few more payments later, the photograph is now mine.

I still marvel at the fact that, by owning this photograph, I become a part of Vivian Maier’s story, of a moment she captured with her Rolleiflex, of the street hustler gazing directly at her, with a face as storied as they come.

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Happy. Opening.

Today we open Now. Here. This. It’s exciting, scary, fun, nerve-wrecking, and joyful. I’ve spent the past three months working intensely with this group of people. Revising dialogue down to the “five minute till show” call, rewriting around the green room table after a performance, or falling asleep during late night Skype calls. In the spirit of the show, I’ve tried to live in these moments, take note of them, be entirely present and feel everything that comes up within that moment, no matter how hard or fleeting it may be. And, much like Thomas Merton states in his theory, when you do get to the intersection of Now Here This, there is happiness. There is presentness. There is life.

I made mental notes of the moments in which I captured the now, here, this of “Now. Here. This.,” but wrote only one of them down. It was a moment from back in January, when we spent a week living and writing together up at a house in CT. A house we only left to by groceries, go to the gym, and shovel the driveway during a snowstorm. We wrote intensely while sitting on the living room couch, on beds, and jamming on keyboards that were set atop ironing boards. I clocked a few moments over the course of that week, but this one remains one of my favorites:

The moment I felt it all hit me was during a read-through we had on Saturday. I was on lunch duty, chopping up strawberries and watching the snow fall through the kitchen window. Behind me I heard four voices singing a song with Larry on keyboard. It was a song only about seven people have heard, but thousands more will soon here. I stopped chopping for a second. I felt the physical weight of the moment, of how calm I felt, how happy; how beautiful those voices and music/lyrics sounded. I heard Michael tapping away at the keys on his computer, and Heidi laugh, midsong, at a joke Hunter made; I smelled the fragrant sweetness of the strawberries. The song ended and I let the moment go with it, flying away at the speed of sound.

I’ve learned so much from this experience — things that fall well beyond the scope of simply working on a piece of theater. I’ve found a group of people I love and trust and who love and trust me. In these three months, I’ve grown and changed almost as much as this show has. It’s thrilling, exhausting, exciting, hot-making, extraordinary, and incredibly fulfilling. I’ve also learned that old Trappist monk Thomas Merton was right when he wrote:

“Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself.”

Realness.

Beyond 360 Degrees

Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote about how a theater/theatrical experience brought my life full circle. After that, I thought my Vineyard Theatre karma was pretty much complete. I mean, what could be beyond the 360 degrees of a full circle life? Well, for me, it’s this.

A few years ago, I wrote a piece about a Broadway show that was doing some really cool and innovative things with social media. Last year, I wrote a little piece about the lab production of that creative team’s next show. Then, a few months ago, I got a call from that team of super smart & creative nerds asking me if I would be interested in working with them on the full, Off-Broadway version of that lab production, Now. Here. This., which would premiere at the Vineyard Theatre. And now, we are all sitting in a room together writing, and talking, and eating raw almonds, and structuring the show until we are exhausted and cross-eyed and no one remembers what day of the week/weekend it is anymore. And I could not be happier.

I wish I could tell you everything that is in my heart about the experience I’m having working with this group of people on this musical, but the truth is, it’s all wrapped up in the joy, love, humor, brains, and courage that will live up on stage (as embodied by creators/performers Hunter Bell, Susan Blackwell, Jeff Bowen, Heidi Blickenstaff, and under the direction/choreography of the most excellent Michael Berresse). This creative team has shaped stories and crafted a narrative that moves the walls of theatrical storytelling. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. The show is a beautiful hybrid of musical theater, presentational storytelling, autobifictionography, and literary journalism — with some flashbacks thrown in for good measure.

Now. Here. This. is about the moments in our lives: the good, the funny, the ugly,  the beautiful, and the bad ones. I am incredibly proud of what the show says and of the creative team saying it all. Being a part of it has changed the way I think about my life and how I approach my own storytelling. My hope is that this musical will (in some small way) make us more aware of what surrounds us.

What’s beyond 360 degrees is a moment that is at its heart the same, but the shape shifts slightly with each circling back. The subject gets older, the walls push out further, the role becomes more active. But the love and passion for creativity remains just as strong as it was when that 14-year-old girl sat in the Vineyard Theatre, and watched a show come together for the very first time.

Previews of Now. Here. This. begin March 7 (and our box office opens TOMORROW, 2/1!) The show runs till April 15th at the Vineyard Theatre (108 E. 15th St bet Union Square East & Irving Place New York, NY)